310520 perspectives

After another particularly rough week, was pleasantly surprised to receive blackball from steph on friday evening and a coffee/cocktail from my sister on saturday. Feel like circuit breaker has badly shrunk my social network but very thankful nonetheless knowing that there are always going to be constants in my life who care for me and who I can rely on to spur me on to be a better version of myself.

(1)

Last week the sister heard about my stressed state and decided to check in on me over the weekend; sharing what her experience was like when she first started at her job in the conversation that followed. I guess there’s comfort to be found in knowing that the struggle with long hours and constant stress is a common one everywhere and this is probably just another facet of this whole adult life thing that I’m still not that good at. Knowing that these difficulties aren’t going anywhere, that everyone faces them at some point kind of gives me hope that it will get better – not in the sense that these problems are all going to go away when I get better at this job or when I leave to find another one (as i’ve been naive enough to think this whole time), but in the sense that i’m eventually going to become a well adjusted working adult dealing with these problems in a well-adjusted way just like my sister, and just like everyone else.

The conversation with the sister really helped fix my perspective as well, or least made me aware of what my perspective should be. I’ve been looking back at the past way too much lately with this sort of tunnel vision (circuit breaker isn’t helping with this), constantly wishing I could relive those better days while blind to the fact that there’s a whole life ahead that I’ve yet to live, that youth is not all there is to the human experience. As good as they were, those days are nothing but memories now but my sister’s life is a kind of reminder to me that there is still much to look forward to. I know it for myself, I know there will be better times ahead. Chin up, keep moving forward.

(2)

Last sunday night I vented all my frustrations to steph who remained silent on the other side of my screen, patiently absorbing every bit of my monologue. The whole time I was expecting that you’d say something at some point, but after 7 years 9 months of dating some things still take me by surprise I suppose; like when I hear for the nth time how you don’t like X food, or marvel at how hearing the same up key for the nth time could possibly get somebody so excited, or forget about just how good a listener you are. Which is why when I had said my piece, I was genuinely taken aback as you began to recall and respond to every single one of my points, even those I would probably not even have remembered talking about. I genuinely felt better after that call. Sometimes I feel like you know me better than I know myself; I know I can always count on you to call me out and bring me back to the ground when I get carried away. There are many reasons for me to love you, and on most occasions I struggle to articulate most of them, but the next time you ask me to list them out and I forget to mention this, do me a favour and remind me that I wrote this post. 

(3)

I know everything’s gonna be alright. 

 

030520 checkpoint

Last night I spent some time Skyping with the KTH MSE exchange buddies, together reminiscing on the good old days looking at old photos and videos while we updated one another on how our lives have been. For the past few months things have been feeling crappy for the most part, and in times like this with uni slowly fading into a more distant past it’s hard to shake off the feeling that the best days of my life are behind me and this it’s what it’s going to be like from now on. Decided to re-read all the posts on this page, and once again very thankful that I’ve (somewhat) been keeping this record of my state of mind during key events and difficult times in the recent past. Grateful for the life I’ve led every time I read back on these, and it really helps to put my feelings into perspective. 

Currently in the 10th month of working life, with the pace having really picked up around February or so. Given all the things I’ve been feeling about this job of late and the state that i’m currently in, figured it’s probably as good a time as any to sit down and reflect on my circumstances, gather my thoughts and pen them down here so timo from the future can once again have the privilege of never forgetting how he felt at this particular time, a snapshot of this moment. 

Been going about my days perpetually stressed out even on non work days and still feeling a general underlying dread even when I’m not actually thinking about work. Still trying hard to fully understand why it is that I feel like everyone is out to expose some incompetence on my part, like every task given to me big or small is a punch in the gut, like the very thought of work triggers a fight or flight response. Why every problem that presents itself lead to some degree of anxiety, why sunday night blues kicks in on saturday afternoon and why getting out of bed on a weekday morning always feel like a resignation to a shitty day ahead. A lot of the problem is probably driven by my own fear/insecurity, but at the same time it’s hard to figure out how much of this is really a fault in my mindset, and how much of this is a product of my circumstances ie. going back to the question I had set out to answer for myself by taking up this role in the first place ie. am I suited for this kind of stuff?? It’s hard not to let emotions cloud my judgement on this at present moment so hopefully as I hang on for longer I’ll be able to answer in detail with the whats and whys.

Starting a list of the good and bad has offered some clarity and in the process I’m trying to put things into perspective to change my outlook. Sure this shit’s tough – it’s really easy to choose to plunge yourself into a challenging environment because you know it’s good for your growth, but it’s another thing to survive that environment and actually grow.  The fact that every single day is so much of a challenge just means that I’m lacking in some areas that this will force me to grow in, I think. Regardless of whether I decide that this is for me in the long run or not, it won’t ever hurt to put in my best work and learn as much as possible for whatever lies ahead. So for now, timo, you be grateful God has placed you where you are and you make the most of it.

Quoting from my post from the day before I started work:

“here’s to my zest for life that will hopefully outlast whatever lies ahead of me. I will try to be the best that I can.”

Hopefully timo from the future can still look back on this and be proud.

 

 

061119 cliffs

3 months here and I feel like the pace of learning could have been much faster for me that what it has been – the question that I struggle with myself over is how much of that was in my control, really? Taking away the first month and a half of wave and new hire training leaves about 1.5 months that of actual work so far, out of which none of that has been working on something to call my own. Today I officially took over MO duties and the flood of information and work and the realisation that after a good 1.5 months here I have no idea how to handle any of it is disappointing but even more scary. Am I supposed to know more by this point? What if I’m really just learning too slowly, what if I never get good, maybe good grades mean nothing in the real world really and I’m just not cut out for this. A little too much self doubt and over thinking but I know myself and my self doubting tendencies. The only thing I can actually do, of course, is to suck it up and work harder. Grow a thicker skin and ask more questions. Hopefully things will get better, maybe in a few months from now i’ll be looking back at this thinking all this worrying was for nothing, just like how it was during OFYP. Till then, keep working. You’ll  definitely get somewhere, at least.

040819 closure/new beginnings

On this day, at this time 2 years ago I was on a plane, having just left Singapore to begin my exchange semester in Stockholm. On this day, at this time 1 year ago I had just moved in to my apartment in Baltimore to begin my OFYP. It’s probably not really important that 4 August has come to mark some major chapters of my life the past 2 years but as human beings I guess we find comfort in stupid things. Anyway, currently it is 2303h on the night before my first official day of full time work. Below the general apprehension I’m feeling re:starting this major next stage of life I feel like there is a lot to how I feel about the past couple of months/years that I have yet to process, and that once I start work I won’t really be able to find the space to. Feel like I generally feel the urge to blog between stages in life or when times are really hard, so i’ll either be blogging a lot or not at all in the next few months. Stay tuned.

It’s been a couple of months since uni ended, and I don’t think I’ll ever be fully aware of how it has shaped me as a person. The past 4 years have been an incredible experience and probably the most exciting period of my life so far and there is so much to recall, fondly or otherwise. From the trying times of hardcore mugging in year 1, to being surrounded by activities and friends in hall with all the frequent hangouts in year 2. Exchange, OFYP, and the entire jazz experience. Spending so much time with Steph in the final 2 sems in NTU especially, to the final semester in North Hill, making new friends in pop & jazz and treasuring the time I have with old ones. Almost every memory I have of university is a positive one or an experience I have gained a lot from and I am immensely thankful that I have gotten to experience the fullness of campus life while having maintained good grades. And living overseas twice, of course.

As all the people around me gradually transit into working life I have had more than enough time to become acutely aware of the extent to which my life will change come tomorrow, although fully understanding and learning to deal with it will only come with the experience, I’m sure. I’ve spent so much time thinking about how I will try to hold on to the most important aspects of my current lifestyle that a lot of the nervousness I’m feeling right now is probably coming from the fear that things will not turn out as I hope. Interacting with people who are already working there has not helped much, stories of jaded workers, long hours and stressful evaluations but as much as possible I will try to keep my mind open.

Before I started writing this post I spent some time reading through the other posts I’ve made on this blog, mostly at crucial junctions in my recent life. If anything I think they are a reminder of the things I have to be thankful for. From two of my posts during OFYP:

“I’m writing these things today so hopefully in a couple of months when i am home i can read this post, remember how exactly i felt in this moment in probably one of the darker periods of my life so far, and treasure what i have.”

“I feel like all this has been an exercise in realising that even in the seemingly shittiest times there’s probably always something to be thankful for if you look hard enough and try to make the best of every circumstance.”

I really don’t regret starting this blogging thing again, even if the posts are separated by months and most of the time this page is never on my mind. I restarted writing on this page with the hope that one day i’d read my old posts and see how i’ve grown and i think it’s already paid off. In the many many years of work I have ahead of me there will undoubtedly be great days and absolutely down-in-the-dirt shitty ones. Very very thankful that I have a past from which to draw lessons for my future; here’s to my zest for life that will hopefully outlast whatever lies ahead of me. I will try to be the best that I can.

100119 moving forward/thanksgiving

Feels more than a little surreal that OFYP is coming to an end, that slightly more than 48 hours i’ll be back home. At times this journey felt like it was dragging on forever but of course time marches on indifferent to how we feel about it and all things good and bad come to an end. Now that the worst is over and I’m sitting on my couch in my lovely apartment reflecting on the past 5 months (exactly how I was a year ago before leaving Stockholm), the mood is more bittersweet than excited like I thought it would be. Sure the FYP experience itself was disappointing but I think I’ve gained much and found many things that I loved about being here in general – they might not have always made up for the frustration and drag of the research for the most part, but in these little things I found respite and learnt a lot about myself in the process. Beyond the looming crime problem and abundance of shady spots and characters i’ve found baltimore to be a really beautiful city, yes beautiful in the traditional sense but also homely and endearing.

In my typical mode of viewing the past with rose-tinted glass I now fondly recall the first week of arriving here, struggling to get all the home items I needed and struggling with the heat before the a/c arrived. Then came the really stressful first couple of weeks in lab, with the general uncertainty about my project and the pressure to learn so many new things + the disappointment at the social climate of the lab (which I eventually just became more and more okay with). The first 2 months or so I never really spent much time going out, partly because of the hot weather partly because I wasn’t too sure what parts of the city were safe or not but mostly just because I didn’t feel like going out there. After Steph’s visit to Baltimore this changed and eventually I committed to exploring a new place every weekend, which really changed my overall perception of being here. Sometimes I wonder how different my OFYP experience would have been if Steph never came here – would I have spent the entire time sulking around at home, stuck in this city but never really seeing what it has to offer? Maybe not, but still possible.

Anyway, despite the disappointing research experience there are many things to be grateful for and I will attempt to list them.

Things I am grateful for:

1. The luxury of having an entire studio apartment to myself (for the 2nd time!!!). I realise how much I actually love living alone now; back in Stockholm there were moments where I felt lonely but I’ve come to full embrace the joy of living alone. Maybe it’s just getting used to the loneliness since lab life is equally lonely but it just feels weird to think that I can spend days barely talking to anyone and not feel weird about it. Even if I am an introvert. Anyway what I’m trying to say is I’m v grateful to have this entire place to myself.Like the apartment in Stockholm this place is lovely and I’m going to post this picture here to make sure I never forget how great it is.
2. To live in such a beautiful and safe neighbourhood. To be able to take walks around campus late at night without having to worry about my safety. To have found so many spots near where I live that I just enjoy being in. To be honest I think walking around has been one of my biggest sources of joy this FYP.
3. To be so blessed, having the opportunities to live in and travel around both Europe and the US within the last 2 years of my undergraduate life. Sometimes when I’m travelling (or even when I’m just going around Baltimore) it still blows my mind that I’m here. I’m here. A year ago I was on exchange in Europe and now I’m living in the US and its (almost) like doing exchange for a 2nd time except this time its all paid for. No matter how much I resented having to come here to do my FYP this is a privilege I cannot deny.
4. The few people that did make a difference to my time here: Zheliang and Jiayu mostly, for the meals and the trips to costco and for just generally being so accommodating and helpful; for making it feel like at least there are some people in the lab.
5. Having people nearby that I can meet/travel with. Josh/the Boston ppl but mostly Steph. Steph’s visit to Baltimore and my visit to Boston were quite possibly the highlight of the OFYP and the moments I thought of the most when things were going badly.
6. Just generally having living in one of the most dangerous cities in the US for 5 months with no incident.
7. The cold weather (after October) that I will very much miss from the moment I touchdown in Singapore.
8. The many beautiful parts of Baltimore that made me feel like I wasn’t in this city for nothing. The inner harbour. Federal Hill, Fells Point, Hampden, Charles village, Mount Vernon, the list goes on.

On top of that, being the sentimental boy that I am I’m just going to list down some of the notable moments/enjoyable parts of my daily routine in the past 5 months that I want to immortalise:

1. The daily practice of blasting whatever music I want whenever I want at home
2. Taking 30 minute baths every morning with the same few songs everyday, dreading getting out and going to lab
3. Rushing home in the middle of the day to cook the exact same thing so I can save some money
4. The occasional breakfast treat of a cream cheese bagel and coffee (the best coffee in baltimore tbh) at Eddie’s market.
5. Looking forward to leaving lab on fridays, which always meant a trip to the liquor store and a late night watching youtube videos.
6. Generally looking forward to nights unwinding at home
7. The joy that little aircon unit brought me
8. Walking to Hampden and back while waiting for the 30min cooling portion of the programming experiment to finish
9. Walking to Wyman park dell if I felt like taking another walk in the same day but I already walked to Hampden
10. Walking around the campus at night if I just felt like going out
11. Always returning to the same few eating spots: Cold cut combo at Subway/Chicken bowl at Chipotle/Beef Sukiyaki at Ahjumma’s.
12. The joy of a queen sized bed all to myself
13. The day i discovered Patterson park/canton waterfront park and walked all the way back to the inner harbour, which was the day I realised I had taken a liking to this city
14. Eating crabs with Steph
15. The trip to Towson and Monster Minigolf
16. The last evening of the Boston trip at that tiny little beachside park in Salem
17. Never getting sick of the view from my bedside window
18. Having the luxury of a practice room across the street
19. The day I discovered Round Falls and Druid Hill Park
20. The many museums which I genuinely loved; Baltimore Art Museum, Baltimore Museum of Industry, Visionary Arts Museum, Walters Art Museum, etc.

I feel like all this has been an exercise in realising that even in the seemingly shittiest times there’s probably always something to be thankful for if you look hard enough and try to make the best of every circumstance. Ending this phase of life on a good note, till next time blog.

131118 reminder to self

tell me how blessed are we to have tragedies so small, they can fit on the tips of our tongues

221018 twenty four/grateful

Spent my second birthday in a row on the other side of the world – last year this period marked the end of the exams and the start of a period of consecutive travelling but this year that obviously wasn’t going to happen. Nonetheless, I spent a self-declared long weekend in the Boston area visiting Steph. Feel like I cannot express enough how much these little trips make life here better, like short windows of respite in the midst of this seemingly never-ending FYP run. At the end of every trip here i’m always overwhelmed by a mix of happiness and emptiness because the time passes so quickly; sure this whole FYP thing isn’t the best and sometimes i rly wished i had made more friends here but at the end of the day i’m just thankful that I have people that I love and love me and that some of the people are nearby.

Over the 4 days spent in Boston, Waltham and Salem I felt like I was experiencing a whole different America from what I’ve known in Baltimore. For some reason the place really remind me of (and made me miss) Stockholm and exchange in general. Anyway, not much else to say so here are some pictures for the record:

Boston

Waltham

Salem

Till next time.

170918 struggle

One and a half months here but somehow it feels like i’ve been here forever. When there’s so much that happens in a given week i think it has the effect of making time feel like it’s passing really slowly. Maybe it’s the other way round but whatever the case the point is that the past few weeks have felt stretched and the weekends have felt really far apart.

The general OFYP experience has been rough so far – the multitude of things, both theory and skills, that i need to learn that have never been within the scope of what i was taught in MSE (and the nagging inadequacy that results from comparing myself with the grad students around me), the uncertainty resulting from the nature of the project and the lack of supervision that comes with running an independent project; the disappointing social climate in the lab and the pressure of needing to complete my project by January all add up. Most of this i suppose i could have expected given how out of my depth my project topic is, but more than anything else it’s the lack of a comfort zone to settle in within this setting that really gets to me. Nearly every new day is a different problem to solve, a new concept to digest, a different skill to learn and it’s always in the back of mind even when I’m not working.

Something I knew about myself all along, that I’ve become sure of from this OFYP is that I crave routine, not a fast-paced, challenging environment. I think the main difference between this and my summer research in year 2 (that made me enjoy my summer research a lot more) is that after the first few weeks my summer research settled into a comfortable routine. Sample fabrication, experiments, analysis, alter the parameters, repeat. I did choose to be here and I chose this project consciously to challenge myself and try to learn something new, so I do appreciate the chance to be here and experience yet another thing out of my comfort zone and hopefully grow in the process. At the very least I’ve become more aware of my flaws and strengths. My experience so far and my observation of the lives of the phd students around me have also led me to (somewhat) conclude that grad school isn’t for me. Which is something I’m proud of I suppose, because I didn’t expect myself to come to a firm decision so quickly. Yay.

Much more than during exchange, homesickness has been a real issue here. I suppose the obvious reason is because exchange life was a lot more carefree; even when I wasn’t travelling, there was still a lot of time to enjoy life and there was a lot less stress. Being surrounded by singaporeans, even if I wasn’t really close to any of them till near the end, helped a lot as well. Honestly I feel quite bad for the cnyang people that decided not to go on exchange because they thought ofyp would be a fair substitute.

Random images of places back in singapore pop up in my mind during the day (this also happened in sweden); I find myself putting songs that remind me of home on repeat and just generally thinking of home a little too often; not sure how healthy this is but it does keep me going. Given how slowly time is passing, going home in january feels like ages away anyway. Deeply jealous of the others who are surrounded by friends/singaporeans during their OFYP.

It’s not all bad though, I suppose there are the little things to look forward to. I’ve sort of developed a nightly routine that really helps me unwind – I think being here has helped me realise the importance of having a place to look forward to going home to every day as well, and I’m really thankful for this apartment and just having my own space. Even being the introvert i am i find it weird how being alone is my respite from loneliness. Maybe cell group next week will be the start of some kind of community i can find here.

This blog is essentially reader-less at this point so i’ve taken the liberty to treat it like a journal. I’m writing these things today so hopefully in a couple of months when i am home i can read this post, remember how exactly i felt in this moment in probably one of the darker periods of my life so far, and treasure what i have. For now, I will press on till the end so I can return home and continue my life.

On a better note, new york next week – absolutely cannot wait to see some familiar faces again even if it is just for the weekend.

070818 baltimore

It’s been 5 days since arriving in the US, decided to pen (key/type?) down my thoughts  now because I feel like the time alone and the new environment have given me more than enough space to reflect on both my current/upcoming circumstances and on 2018 so far.

The process of settling into Baltimore started off pretty slowly and the first few days weren’t too good. The apartment is nice and spacious but visibly old and initially quite dirty. Having to buy all the lacking home supplies was a hassle, and since there was no home store nearby I had to make the trip down to Target with the city’s abysmal public transport, which didn’t help either; bus delays turned a 45 minute trip one way into a 1.5 hour one. The weather is just as hot and humid as it is in Singapore, and living the first few days without a fan or a/c was torturous. Between struggling to fall asleep and taking 3 or 4 baths in a day for the first few days, I think the time at home the first few days was spent being more agitated about the heat than anything else. After a painful weekend the a/c and the fan have both arrived and life is a lot better. The remaining days I have to settle in are going to be spent doing nothing while I still have the chance to. I still can’t decide if I like the apartment here more or the one I had in Stockholm more, but I guess I have the next 5 months to figure that out. A little nervous for the start of my FYP proper, but as with everything else in life I supposed it’ll come and go.

The apartment

The view from my bedside window, with downtown Baltimore in the distance. Not too bad.

Baltimore city from what I’ve seen so far seems like quite a nice place actually; even though I’ve read so many bad things about it before arrival I’m beginning to think I won’t even get to see the shabby part of the city during this 5 months as long as I stay where I’m supposed to be. The best part of living here so far is the capitalism though, services like Amazon and Jet make it so convenient to just order everything and have it shipped to your door for free.

Of course it’s only the first week here. Project starts tomorrow and I would like to write a little on the year so far. More to come.

 

 

 

080118 iceland

On the morning of 14th August I got up and caught a plane from Bergen to Reykjavik to begin the next leg of the pre-trip in Iceland. After 9 days of backpacking through Norway, spending hours hopping on and off buses and trains to get from place to place and staying in shabby overpriced mountain cabins Iceland was a welcome change in pace. Given the duration of this trip + the variety of views and experience this trip, this’ll probably be one of the longest trip posts.

(Also thanks to Prat this’ll probably be the only trip with this many group photos so I will use them liberally)

Started the trip in Reykjavik where I made a last minute decision to get the Reykjavik card, subsequently spending the afternoon frantically hopping between museums to get my moneys worth. No regrets though, the museums in Reykjavik were fascinating and different from anything else I’ve seen, to say the least. Particularly enjoyed the national museum and the photography museum. I feel like the museum scene there should be given more attention; Reykjavik as a city in general tends to take a backseat in the light of the country’s natural landscapes, which is then again, completely understandable I guess. The noodle dinner there on the first day was particularly memorable for me because it was my first asian meal in 10!!!! days and having still not adapted to this overseas life at that point, 10 days felt like forever.

The famous Hallgrimskirkja in Reykjavik – in reality half scaffolded for construction works, it was a little disappointing but looks nice in the photo I guess

The next day we woke up in the morning to pick up the rental car from the city centre. Driving stick again after ages was really fun and less difficult than my overthinking self expected it to be, which was really great because now I know for sure that driving a stick shift is a skill that never really leaves you – which is a nice little confidence boost I guess.

The remainder of the trip was a blur of driving from one beautiful natural attraction to another, constantly in awe at the constantly changing landscapes along the way to settle down at a different new airbnb each night. Iceland is unreal; from vast green plains to glaciers, snow capped mountains and barren wind eroded plateaus,  black sand beaches and fjords it seems like the country’s got it all. We drove the ring road (highway 1) over a week, which was admittedly a little shorter than would have been ideal which made the itinerary a little rushed and touch-and-go, but I still got to see it all and it was an amazing time.

In no particular order, I’m going to list some things that stand out to me from my memory of the trip so here goes:

Seeing a million waterfalls (seriously this country has too many of them):

Overlooking the black sand beach from the lighthouse, and losing my lens cap on the black sand beach:

The lighthouse in the distance

That really long walk out to the plane wreck in the middle of nowhere:

The 500km/6 hour long night drive on the third day to reach our airbnb way later than we thought we would, at 1am. Having nothing but The Weeknd’s Starboy album on replay for most of the drive because we were too tired/lazy/focused on reaching the destination; I still can’t listen to most of it now. Tiring (and slightly scary) as it was at the time, I’ll probably always remember it fondly now.

Had to give the glacier lagoon a miss because of the lack of time though 😦

Speeding along the dark, mostly empty ring road

The views of this road on the way down to Seyðisfjörður; going really out of the way to get some shots from a better angle:

Really, really smelly but really, really impressive volcanic vents and pools:

Don’t even want to think about what that metallic, bubbling liquid is

Getting caught in mad rains/winds in the vicinity of the countries most powerful waterfall (which was basically blasting water at us too), subsequently having my pants entirely drenched, freezing my ass off not being able to walking properly for most of the remainder of the day. It’s a wonder we didn’t fall sick:

The only hike that we did during the trip, a short (maybe 2 hour?) climb along the side of a hill to reach yet another waterfall that no one remembers the name of:

Whale watching!!! Wasn’t too excited about spending >$100 to get on a boat and look at whales for a few hours but the insane winds and choppy waters in the fjord + those mad invincible overalls they gave us to wear made it quite a fun experience. We saw a whole lot of whales too so that was cool:

Didn’t manage to get any good whale shots though.

That attempt at a hike on the last day where we walked up and realised the route was way too long and then walked down. Mad views/sky though:

Staying out in the outdoor hot tub at one of our accommodations, trying to catch the lights but failing. We had a number really cool accommodations over the trip (and over the whole exchange), come to think about it. Slightly regret not taking more pictures of these places.

Special mention goes to buying groceries every night, always buying too much and overcooking, and then somehow buying too much the next day anyway which was fun. Also Icelandic words are hilarious.

Road tripping made the whole trip really laid back and i’m glad to have been able to do it in such an amazing country, with company that made it work.

Headed back 2 days earlier than the rest to go to Stockholm for a pre-semester briefing at KTH. 2 days later, I was off to Copenhagen for my 2nd ever solo trip (albeit a short one). After writing posts like this and thinking about all the things I’ve experienced it’s hard to say life isn’t good, really.